The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You Might Also Like
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
guys I’m going home
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.