The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My boss called in sick of me
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?