@yenniwhite: The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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@SamDeLanche: Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
@nickcreelman: Coworker: it's dark already Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes CoW: it's only 5 'o clock Me: I KNOW DAN CoW: it's early Me: THAT'S HOW EARTH WORKS
@Jesus_M_Christ: That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
@RexHuppke: Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: "Still not sure if we like it, tbh."