The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
another case of gang violins
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!