The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.