The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything