The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
repaired
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.