More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.