The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Feels
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.