the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Velcrow
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Why is this me 😫
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN