Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Posting this on behalf of a friend
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Nose
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*