Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!