The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Love this one 😂🧟
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?