doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
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Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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