The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.