When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
How to draw a duck
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me