We’ve all been there…
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Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
favorite tropes as memes
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”