The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
You Might Also Like
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
🤔😂😂
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌