The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
You Might Also Like
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me