The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice