@Macar00ny: The first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number I didn't know what to do so I ate it.
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@jlock17: My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we've lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
@ojedge: [packing for holiday] WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen
@batkaren: TIN MAN: I want a heart COWARDLY LION: And I want courage ZOMBIE: Braaaaains ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell'd Ray go?
@WilliamAder: The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.