Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I saw nothing
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”