Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.