The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream