The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME