2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
peak technology
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.