The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?