The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant