The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?