The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
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[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
We’ve come full circle
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery