The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D