the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks