Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My favorite farside!!
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Ok but actually
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.