[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny