“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…