“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Every work meeting this week
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.