Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”