the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
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*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
oh you wanna fight?!
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.