the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
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BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
me adding lol on a serious message
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.