*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.