*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
🤣🤣
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!