*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Harsh but fair
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.