*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though