The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Worst perfume name ever.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.