@envydatropic: The forecast isn't calling for rain so I'm just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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@lawblob: Waldo books are cute until u learn he owes $100,000 in unpaid child support & is wanted for arson
@UNTRESOR: [meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?
@The_Sculptress: Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire. I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
@tararose711: Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.