The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.