@TheMichaelRock: The four scariest words any husband can hear are "guess what today is?"
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@megbada: I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.
@thenoahkinsey: *therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
@JediGigi: M-I can't go. My Ewok is sick. H-Gigi that's a stuffed animal. M- H- M-Crap. I think you're right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."