@TheMichaelRock: The four scariest words any husband can hear are "guess what today is?"
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@LizHackett: If you're robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
@SirEviscerate: Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".
@nbadag: [moments after time traveling to 1863] LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL