@TheMichaelRock: The four scariest words any husband can hear are "guess what today is?"
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@kumailn: "You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis." I've been calling my cat a "gorgeous little muffin" for years so now I'm terrified.
@only_one_ee: Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs. Me: Wait, what - even macaroni & cheese? Trainer: Ya. Me: ...I think we should see other people.
@MatCro: COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead PICASSO: I got this
@Sarcasticsapien: Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you're staying single.