“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
You Might Also Like
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.