Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat