I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
no!! no!!!!!!
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.