The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
when u come home smelling like another dog
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Bruh PLEASE
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Canada has crack?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.