The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
*sewing*
A thread
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Ugh
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.