The French cow says MEUX…
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I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
For the orator and chef in all of us
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
rapatouille
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me