The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.